Proverbs on the Patience of Pants

Soooo...
It has been a long time since I posted. My kids have been reminding me that the idea of a blog is to log my ideas on a semi-regular basis.  If you are reading this, thanks for keeping your pants on!

I want to talk about patience.  A proverb says "a man who hurries to get rich will come to grief."  You can apply this to something obvious like people wasting their money on lottery tickets or joining Ponzi schemes. (Or as spell-check is telling me, Pontiac schemes.)  You can take it a step further as an admonition to those type-A personalities -- "Dude, stop and smell the roses!" or like that.  But in my own life, not being a type-A type or much of a gambler, it has had for me more of a lesson about worrying -- or not worrying -- about financial stuff.  I worry when I think it is all up to me, that if I don't fix it we're going down the tubes.  That's when I panic, make hasty decisions out of fear.  These never turn out well. I do much better when I remember I have a loving God who cares what happens to me and mine. When I can trust that God is looking out for us, I can look at financial difficulties with a more objective eye.  Then I make better choices -- I am not tempted to cut corners or sell a kidney or buttonhole people who owe me money.

Another proverb -- really the complement to that first one -- says "the blessings of the Lord are pure, and He adds no sorrow to them."  Those are the blessings I want.  The ones that last. The ones that don't come with a built-in booby trap made from the shrapnel of my own haste and fears.  And as they say: You get what you pay for.  When I'm willing to pay the price of waiting on God's provision (see folks, this is where the patience part comes in), He always comes through. Yep, always. Waiting is rough though. Patience feels like a very stiff price to pay while I'm searching my pockets for quarters to buy a gallon of gas.

A good woman who taught me a lot when I was a young and naive 20-something with 2 kids already... (Whew, I'm out of breath, are you?  Sorry. I just realized that that sentence needs to be a whole blog post of its own some day.)  Anyway this woman, call her Mrs. N., was a big King-James-only fan. (We're talking Bible versions now in case you're lost.)  I'm a New American Standard gal myself, but I thought her best argument was this: Most versions of the Bible say "patience" while the KJV says "long-suffering".  "What's the difference?", I asked Mrs. N.  Her answer, "the suffering."  Deep, huh?

But wait, you say!  Suffer now, suffer later, what's the difference there?  Especially if, meanwhile, I can be rich?  Apples and quinces, my friend, apples and quinces. Let me explain. But you already know. You know that suffering can have a purpose, accomplish something in your life -- exercise, childbirth, really tight jeans. But sorrow, sorrow is when you lose something that you can never get back.  Sorrow is loss and regret. God knows what He's talking about!  Hasten to be rich and you are picking green apples. Sure, you'll be the first one at the tree, but you'll get a stomach-ache from eating them -- sorrow and puking and regret!  And if you pick them all, none are left to mature.  Wait for the apples to ripen, even if you are hungry meanwhile, and your reward is sweet!  And quinces, as I recently discovered (thank you, Martha Stewart!) are sooooo yummy, that even though you can't eat them raw, it is worth the time it takes to wait for them to ripen and then to cook them too! 

I wonder how many people blame God for their self-imposed puking fits, and then later blame God again when they see the apples ripen on other people's trees, and theirs are bare, because they picked all their apples green?  If they had just kept their pants on; I'm thinking denim overalls in this case... 

Keeping Your Pants On, for Guys

One of my all-time favorite songs is "Pants on the Ground", which if you haven't seen, you must live under an even bigger rock than I do. While I have heard many theories on the reason for the saggy-pants phenomenon, none of them really satisfies my fashion sense or my logical mind.  Who's with me on this?

Theories I've heard --

1. It comes from guys not being allowed to wear belts in prison, so if you let your pants sag, you look "hard". Aka "I've done time, don't mess with me."  (Problem with this -- I now see saggy pants WITH belts on)
2. It makes it easier to conceal weapons about one's person, facilitating gang activities and the like.  (problem with this -- if that were true, why would prisons let guys wear saggy pants?)
3. It makes it quicker for a guy to take a leak. This one I got from a saggy-pants guy ahead of me in line at Social Services. (Long story, let's just say 2009 was a rough year.)  Anyhoo...  (Problem with this -- if it's that much trouble to unzip your pants, maybe you should be wearing a diaper?)
4. It looks cool to show off one's funky-patterned boxer shorts.  (Problems with this -- Most women are not curious what underwear guys are wearing, only their mothers, and then only to make sure it's clean.  Also, now I see guys showing off their colored briefs or even "tightie-whities."  Bleeeah)

Even harder to explain is the longevity of this trend.  I'm sure it's been a good ten years or more since the boxers first started peeping out, timidly at first, and then with ever greater boldness.  I remember predictions way back when, that it would be a passing fad, but noooooooo...  And this is counter to all logic. Because after 10 years, you'd think guys would have noticed the flaws and inconveniences of the saggy-pants life-style.

Allow me to enumerate:

1. Rather than making one look like a hardened criminal, sagging pants make a guy look like he's wearing a full, soggy diaper. (Ask your mother if you don't believe me.) If you're trying to look fierce, why not get a tattoo, pump iron, or perfect an evil stare? Much more effective.
2. While it may be easier to conceal weapons in saggy pants (and I am only going on hearsay for that), it is much harder to RUN AWAY after the crime, waddling like a penguin (and this I have seen with my own eyes). Unless you think you are Batman's foe, The Penguin, and are pulling out a weaponized umbrella...
3. And surely the few seconds saved from unzipping are outweighed in convenience by the day-in, day-out necessity to hold up your pants as you walk anywhere, or keep your knees at just the right angle so you can use both hands for something else?
4. Showing off your undies to the ladies does not impress. We are not panting to see it, or the junk under it, NEARLY as much as you think we are.  In fact, if you are not prepared to woo a lady for at least as long as it takes to unzip your pants, you are probably not much of a lover.  

But as I say, all this logical stuff has not changed a thing in the past decade.

How then to stem the tide of dropping drawers before guys are letting it all hang out? How to get you guys to Keep Your Pants On?  I believe the American Idol contestant had the right idea -- shame and ridicule!!!  "Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground..." It's not just musical inspiration; it's the honest truth.  Look in the mirror, guys!  Gals, look at your sons, your lovers, your neighbors and your brothers, and laugh at them for the penguins they are trying to be.  Give them some not-so-subtle hints that awkward locomotion is not sexy; that having done time is not a badge of honor (unless you're Nelson Mandela or like that); or whatever the particular issue is for your saggy-pants guy. We can end this thing.

I am the zeitgeist... Part 1

     As a mom of four,  a brainy nerd, a patriot, and a "conservative Christian feminist", I keep up on Harry Potter and American politics with equal fervor, write the occasional poem, the occasional phonemic alphabet, and the occasional letter to the editor. I am always looking for a new outlet for my opinions. "Keep your pants on" expresses my opinion on any number of issues, from fashion sense to TSA screenings to the value of patience and contentment. I plan to write about all of it in turn. On the surface I may appear to be a woman of many contradictions, but it all hangs together at the core. 
     When it comes to me being the zeitgeist, well, that is a long story and deserves to have a post of its own some day.  For now I will say, I hope you will enjoy this blogging journey with me, and if you begin to find some of my opinions rattling around in your own subconscious, that is all to the purpose!  Give them a good shake and enjoy the music...