Keeping Your Pants On, for Guys

One of my all-time favorite songs is "Pants on the Ground", which if you haven't seen, you must live under an even bigger rock than I do. While I have heard many theories on the reason for the saggy-pants phenomenon, none of them really satisfies my fashion sense or my logical mind.  Who's with me on this?

Theories I've heard --

1. It comes from guys not being allowed to wear belts in prison, so if you let your pants sag, you look "hard". Aka "I've done time, don't mess with me."  (Problem with this -- I now see saggy pants WITH belts on)
2. It makes it easier to conceal weapons about one's person, facilitating gang activities and the like.  (problem with this -- if that were true, why would prisons let guys wear saggy pants?)
3. It makes it quicker for a guy to take a leak. This one I got from a saggy-pants guy ahead of me in line at Social Services. (Long story, let's just say 2009 was a rough year.)  Anyhoo...  (Problem with this -- if it's that much trouble to unzip your pants, maybe you should be wearing a diaper?)
4. It looks cool to show off one's funky-patterned boxer shorts.  (Problems with this -- Most women are not curious what underwear guys are wearing, only their mothers, and then only to make sure it's clean.  Also, now I see guys showing off their colored briefs or even "tightie-whities."  Bleeeah)

Even harder to explain is the longevity of this trend.  I'm sure it's been a good ten years or more since the boxers first started peeping out, timidly at first, and then with ever greater boldness.  I remember predictions way back when, that it would be a passing fad, but noooooooo...  And this is counter to all logic. Because after 10 years, you'd think guys would have noticed the flaws and inconveniences of the saggy-pants life-style.

Allow me to enumerate:

1. Rather than making one look like a hardened criminal, sagging pants make a guy look like he's wearing a full, soggy diaper. (Ask your mother if you don't believe me.) If you're trying to look fierce, why not get a tattoo, pump iron, or perfect an evil stare? Much more effective.
2. While it may be easier to conceal weapons in saggy pants (and I am only going on hearsay for that), it is much harder to RUN AWAY after the crime, waddling like a penguin (and this I have seen with my own eyes). Unless you think you are Batman's foe, The Penguin, and are pulling out a weaponized umbrella...
3. And surely the few seconds saved from unzipping are outweighed in convenience by the day-in, day-out necessity to hold up your pants as you walk anywhere, or keep your knees at just the right angle so you can use both hands for something else?
4. Showing off your undies to the ladies does not impress. We are not panting to see it, or the junk under it, NEARLY as much as you think we are.  In fact, if you are not prepared to woo a lady for at least as long as it takes to unzip your pants, you are probably not much of a lover.  

But as I say, all this logical stuff has not changed a thing in the past decade.

How then to stem the tide of dropping drawers before guys are letting it all hang out? How to get you guys to Keep Your Pants On?  I believe the American Idol contestant had the right idea -- shame and ridicule!!!  "Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground..." It's not just musical inspiration; it's the honest truth.  Look in the mirror, guys!  Gals, look at your sons, your lovers, your neighbors and your brothers, and laugh at them for the penguins they are trying to be.  Give them some not-so-subtle hints that awkward locomotion is not sexy; that having done time is not a badge of honor (unless you're Nelson Mandela or like that); or whatever the particular issue is for your saggy-pants guy. We can end this thing.